She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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