he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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