go do what you do best...puke behind churches
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
