I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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