i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
