Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
