when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
