you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
