literally had 100 drinks last night.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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