And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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