Old men and throwing up are my life now.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
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