I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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