Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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