His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
