Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
