yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
So gin and wine won't be happening again
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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