chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
