its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
