we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
