you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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