Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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