Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
