i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
