At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
