How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
