Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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