I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
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