I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
