I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
