I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
