My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
