I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Houston, we have a blender
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
