sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
