I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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