Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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