Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
