My hand turned me down
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Randomize
