your parents love me but you hate me
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
