GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
