if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
