I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I need to stop coming to work sober
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
