remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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