she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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