that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
