i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
My vagina just recognized that song.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
