when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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