i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
