cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
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Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
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I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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