So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
