I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
