Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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