In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
