i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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