i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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