im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
me + whiskey = a bad person
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
