in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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