We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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