you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
